Saturday, April 18, 2009

The ashes will scatter

I had a really funny post planned for today. Full of the goods on drunken kickball, Tiny the Dinosaur, and how people in Michigan have never seen rain before.

But I can't do it. I just can't. I'm too empty tonight. Last night, I made an ass of myself and it cost me someone I love. Priest left me this afternoon and I just don't have it in me.

The humiliation isn't my problem. Plenty of people think I'm batshit crazy and it doesn't bug me. I'm lost and no amount of ranting will help me this time. So, I apologize for the tone. But if you can't love me at my worst, well, then I guess you don't deserve me at my best.

It was stupid and I don't remember most of it. I didn't think things would end this way. 24 hours ago I was happy, excited for spring, had a boyfriend who loved me, the prospect of the future, and the end of the year in my sights. And, in the blink of an eye, it's ashes. I have a heart--cold, hard, maybe--and now it's broken. People all over are probably collecting on or paying out on bets.

I'm lucky. I have amazing friends and family, who were there to catch me when I fell. Nikki, who picked me up (literally) and held me when I cried; D, who made sure she could see me and let me cry all over her 80s shirt and AJ who hung out with me on the couch and listened to me forever; Sara, who shows almost superhuman strength and listened and consoled me when my stupid problems aren't even in the same universe as what she's gone through; Natalie and Phillip who have amazing compassion for their gave up a fun Saturday night with teenage friends so the four of us could be together; Meghan, who called expecting gossip and got tears; Mama Roo, who talked to me until I felt sane again; Jennie for her unconditional loyalty; Vince who bought me donuts; Megan for her calm, collected outlook on life; Naomi for giving me a "mom" hug, even though she's only known me for three months; Emmy, who made me laugh; Elisa who found time before going out with her hubby to listen to me talk; Lisa for being there even though she's in Arizona; Al and June for the three-way parent hug and words of wisdom; Daddy Warbucks for the moral support; Aunt Debi for reassuring me that all is not lost; Aunt Betty for pure sympathy; Emma who's in Boston, but is here for me always; and Rusty, who's been here through it all. They've all told me, in their own ways, "you are not alone."

So, I end, surprisingly out of character, with a Bible verse I love and, not out of character, Siddalee Walker's take on it:

"Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh."

~Luke, or whoever really wrote it, didn't promise you'd prosper or be saved; he only promised that if you wept, then sooner or later you'd laugh.